24k gold

ive started meditating again in the morning, and finding truth in all things have been resurfacing for me. the post , prior to last, "leave me alone", has been on my mind today. it was clear i was upset- i do not like unexpected drop-ins. but then i created a lineup of my closest friends and a hypothetical scenario if they surprised me at my home,  would i be annoyed?  more likely, yes, but for most, i would quickly get over. those listed friends were women.

i have amazing girlfriends.  women are my most sacred, loving, honest relationships, and have been consistently dependable in my life. men have not.

my earliest memory of disappointed is with my father. actually, it was when i was 4 and mommy said i couldnt take micky mouse home from our trip to disney world.  but ill save that for another post. back to my father... he promised alot of things he rarely, if ever, followed through. his visits were rare and unforeseen. his birthday gifts were late but presented in a fancy box, and in it were a pair of 24k gold earrings. the kind of karat that magically turned green after a few days and made my ears swell. gradually, i slowly lost my trust and respect for him.

this particular friend that inspired that post has been a great friend to me. he introduced me to mediation and i consider him a spiritual companion.  after being platonic friends for a year, we became romantically involved a couple of months before i moved to chicago last march.  it started loving and warm, and then suddenly, cold and distant. loving. cold. repeat.  and it would continue that way until i left.

few months ago, around december , we rekindled things a bit. it was nice. i was emotionally drained by my mother's illness and it was refreshing to experience new feelings again.  late january, we made plans to see each other, and on the day he was suppose to come over, he sends a text that he needed some time before he "intently engaged sexually with someone". i was a bit thrown off because i felt it wasn't that serious. we could hang, like we've done many times, but eventually shrugged it off. this is what he does.

afterwards, he'd send a text here and there, nothing substantial. no visits. as time went on, i increasingly felt disregard for him. it felt wrong. he has been a wonderful friend who loves me and my family. whenever ive needed him, he has been there. so what was my problem?

that surprise visit reminded me of something he has in common with my father: inconsistency.  his presence was just like the 24k gold earrings that shifted it's color to green. and looks like i still havent recovered from the swelling.

just me and Him

i feel alone at times. that's strange writing that because i have amazing support from my sister and close friends. but i do... and have been feeling this way even more since my mother's illness.

ive been reflecting alot lately of our journey together....watching her in extreme pain, her helpless body on a ventilator unable to speak,  fighting with nurses , battling her hallucinations, racing from the cafeteria incase she needed me, sleepless nights, communicating with letters, waking up to her clicking her tongue at 3am to get my attention, pneumonia, shooting out from the hospital sofa 3-6 times a night because her ventilation machine went off...

im amazed how far we've come and i am so so so grateful to be where we are today. however, every now and then, i find myself really weak. in those moments,  all i could do is take a shower, blast a gospel song, and cry out to Him. i come out feeling refreshed, optimistic,  and reminded that my Friend is always with me.

leave me alone.

i think most people think of caretaking a parent like a hallmark movie. a strained relationship between mother and daughter coming to terms of their past wrong doings but ending with them sitting outside on the porch, holding hands and smiling.

this week i got a text message " hey are you free tomorrow morning to surprise insert friend's name at her job with a dance number?" my instant response was like "what the fuk makes you think i have the time to do that? you do know a 62 year old woman depends on me, right?"  i took a few breaths and politely declined and inserted a smiley face (Jesus took the wheel on that one). later that evening same person asked if i wanted to hang out at a hot tub party. all i could do was blankly stare at my imaginary camera. this woman had good intentions, yes, but come-the fuk- on.

yesterday, as i'm finishing moving my mother from the commode to the sofa, i hear a door bell. i assumed it was UPS or maybe even a Jehovah's witness (they like me)... not anyone that knows me and my mother and our situation. however, i was wrong--no UPS, no Jehovah's witness, but a friend...that knows me and my mother and our situation. i felt unprepared and overwhelmed.

to say i was pissed would be an understatement. i was FUCKING LIVID. ill just list the top ten reasons why
1. i just finished wiping my mother's ass in the living room.
2. my mother and i were relaxing enjoying a documentary
3. i was in my pjs with no bra. this friend is a male.
4. i still had my sheets on the sofa ( i sleep on the sofa now to be near my mother). interestingly, i usually put away, but that particular day, felt like "nah... no physically therapy or doctors appointment; it's going to be a chill day"
5. i never invite people until i get an ok from mom. mom has never declined an invite, but there was no warning for her to accept or decline.
6. this is a home i SHARE with my mother....my physically ill mother who has challenging moments. WE have challenging moments. we could have been in the middle of one.
7. this friend also lives with his mother so he should know better.
8. what made this friend think we wanted company ?
9. we did not want company.
10. i hate surprise pop-ups...especially now.

im complaining about people wanting to hang out with me. it sounds terrible, but my life is very different now.  my day starts off with me changing my mother, preparing her morning meds, making breakfast, getting her morning hygiene together, getting her on the commode - and that's just the morning routine. i just dont have that type of energy for people anymore. and if i do, i'm going to need atleast a week's notice...unless you want to turn my life into a Lifetime movie.

i am up.

technically, i did not break from writing every day; im just not doing it here. ive been working on the development of the characters i will be releasing ( via vimeo). im going to give my all to this and make sure the videos are full quality. this week, i purchased (via credit card) one lavalier mic, a light kit, and tripod. so yeah, i aint playin'.

it's going to be great. and to the only person reading this (sister), be patient...and i love you

family dinner with riot

this evening my bosom bud, riot, came over to drop some wigs i needed. i am working on characters  and needed some additional inspirations. instantly, i could feel my creative mind popping with excitement. i felt immense gratitude for her and our friendship.
she was in for a treat because i was preparing to make mum shiro. im going to say this, i am officially the shiro queen. like NOBODY can touch my shiro. riot never had it before and she was going crazy, even having thirds. i barely left some for me. it was ok;  i got full from joy.
so soon i will drop this blog business and release videos of characters for 30 days (inspired by my friend, the genius CJ Hunt . you will enjoy!

beyonce is having twins

and all is good in this world.

until...

cook, eat, clean, repeat

i tell ya, it's a challenge to commit writing this blog. im tired by the time i sit down to write and i don't have anything fresh to write about. my days, although busy, have now become routine.

i am turning into a great cook. ive always been pretty decent, but now, i really enjoy cooking my mother meals. ive even turned into the anti-microwave person, even for reheating food. today i cooked us chicken, simmered with lemon juice , garlic and onions. with coconut cream rice, and curried beans. it was, and ill just quote my mom  "delicious".

these days entertainment for my mom is limited to phone conversations with my niece and nephew, reruns of the jeffersons and 227, and good food. im grateful i can provide one of those things , even if it's routine.

the bachelor and me

i told myself i would stop watching competition reality shows. i get too emotionally invested and the person im rooting for is always runner-up. but somehow, the bachelor came into my life. i never really cared for the show. the guy never seemed that interesting and the women were even worse. plus, if there was something compelling, i'd just get the highlights from US Weekly.

but this year is different. why? a black girl actually has a chance! her name is rachel. she's adorable and a lawyer. nick, the bachelor, seems to be pretty smitten. i find myself clapping with glee everytime i see them together.

anyway, it's become a monday tradition for mum and i. i think she's into it. she doesn't think rachel has a chance "this white boy from the midwest? you think he's going to bring her to his parents?" i hope she's wrong. i can't handle another heartbreak.