24k gold

ive started meditating again in the morning, and finding truth in all things have been resurfacing for me. the post , prior to last, "leave me alone", has been on my mind today. it was clear i was upset- i do not like unexpected drop-ins. but then i created a lineup of my closest friends and a hypothetical scenario if they surprised me at my home,  would i be annoyed?  more likely, yes, but for most, i would quickly get over. those listed friends were women.

i have amazing girlfriends.  women are my most sacred, loving, honest relationships, and have been consistently dependable in my life. men have not.

my earliest memory of disappointed is with my father. actually, it was when i was 4 and mommy said i couldnt take micky mouse home from our trip to disney world.  but ill save that for another post. back to my father... he promised alot of things he rarely, if ever, followed through. his visits were rare and unforeseen. his birthday gifts were late but presented in a fancy box, and in it were a pair of 24k gold earrings. the kind of karat that magically turned green after a few days and made my ears swell. gradually, i slowly lost my trust and respect for him.

this particular friend that inspired that post has been a great friend to me. he introduced me to mediation and i consider him a spiritual companion.  after being platonic friends for a year, we became romantically involved a couple of months before i moved to chicago last march.  it started loving and warm, and then suddenly, cold and distant. loving. cold. repeat.  and it would continue that way until i left.

few months ago, around december , we rekindled things a bit. it was nice. i was emotionally drained by my mother's illness and it was refreshing to experience new feelings again.  late january, we made plans to see each other, and on the day he was suppose to come over, he sends a text that he needed some time before he "intently engaged sexually with someone". i was a bit thrown off because i felt it wasn't that serious. we could hang, like we've done many times, but eventually shrugged it off. this is what he does.

afterwards, he'd send a text here and there, nothing substantial. no visits. as time went on, i increasingly felt disregard for him. it felt wrong. he has been a wonderful friend who loves me and my family. whenever ive needed him, he has been there. so what was my problem?

that surprise visit reminded me of something he has in common with my father: inconsistency.  his presence was just like the 24k gold earrings that shifted it's color to green. and looks like i still havent recovered from the swelling.