leave me alone.

i think most people think of caretaking a parent like a hallmark movie. a strained relationship between mother and daughter coming to terms of their past wrong doings but ending with them sitting outside on the porch, holding hands and smiling.

this week i got a text message " hey are you free tomorrow morning to surprise insert friend's name at her job with a dance number?" my instant response was like "what the fuk makes you think i have the time to do that? you do know a 62 year old woman depends on me, right?"  i took a few breaths and politely declined and inserted a smiley face (Jesus took the wheel on that one). later that evening same person asked if i wanted to hang out at a hot tub party. all i could do was blankly stare at my imaginary camera. this woman had good intentions, yes, but come-the fuk- on.

yesterday, as i'm finishing moving my mother from the commode to the sofa, i hear a door bell. i assumed it was UPS or maybe even a Jehovah's witness (they like me)... not anyone that knows me and my mother and our situation. however, i was wrong--no UPS, no Jehovah's witness, but a friend...that knows me and my mother and our situation. i felt unprepared and overwhelmed.

to say i was pissed would be an understatement. i was FUCKING LIVID. ill just list the top ten reasons why
1. i just finished wiping my mother's ass in the living room.
2. my mother and i were relaxing enjoying a documentary
3. i was in my pjs with no bra. this friend is a male.
4. i still had my sheets on the sofa ( i sleep on the sofa now to be near my mother). interestingly, i usually put away, but that particular day, felt like "nah... no physically therapy or doctors appointment; it's going to be a chill day"
5. i never invite people until i get an ok from mom. mom has never declined an invite, but there was no warning for her to accept or decline.
6. this is a home i SHARE with my mother....my physically ill mother who has challenging moments. WE have challenging moments. we could have been in the middle of one.
7. this friend also lives with his mother so he should know better.
8. what made this friend think we wanted company ?
9. we did not want company.
10. i hate surprise pop-ups...especially now.

im complaining about people wanting to hang out with me. it sounds terrible, but my life is very different now.  my day starts off with me changing my mother, preparing her morning meds, making breakfast, getting her morning hygiene together, getting her on the commode - and that's just the morning routine. i just dont have that type of energy for people anymore. and if i do, i'm going to need atleast a week's notice...unless you want to turn my life into a Lifetime movie.