my time out

an interesting thing happened this morning. i was getting my mother ready for our morning doctor's appointment. as you all know, my mother is still not able to walk or stand and her right hand has serious nerve damage, so it's currently not her dominant hand. anyway, she was getting ready to brush  her teeth, using her left land. i placed a small end table and a tupperware bowl near her so we wouldnt have to wheel her to the bathroom. i laid  a cup of water on table and my mum pulled it closer to her, making the cup of water fall on the floor. in that state, my instant reflexive thought was to scold my mother, "you have to be careful!".  fortunately, i did not, and silently grabbed a towel and cleaned up the mess.

i left the scene really frustrated with myself. how could i have the audacity to even think that? this is my MOTHER.   the woman i've adored, revered, and feared my whole life. who was i turning into?

i thought about moments as a young child getting punishments from her. how bad i felt for getting admonished for things, i felt, i had no control over- pure accidents. and then i thought of moments i've had with my nephew mirroring the same actions as my mother did to me. i knew then exactly how he felt because i was him. and i knew how my mom felt loosing grip of the table,  having little control of her body.

i was thankful i was in a place of self-awareness and connectedness...and super grateful my mother could not read my mind. even though her body is fragile, she would have found some strength to slap the stupid out of me.