24k gold

ive started meditating again in the morning, and finding truth in all things have been resurfacing for me. the post , prior to last, "leave me alone", has been on my mind today. it was clear i was upset- i do not like unexpected drop-ins. but then i created a lineup of my closest friends and a hypothetical scenario if they surprised me at my home,  would i be annoyed?  more likely, yes, but for most, i would quickly get over. those listed friends were women.

i have amazing girlfriends.  women are my most sacred, loving, honest relationships, and have been consistently dependable in my life. men have not.

my earliest memory of disappointed is with my father. actually, it was when i was 4 and mommy said i couldnt take micky mouse home from our trip to disney world.  but ill save that for another post. back to my father... he promised alot of things he rarely, if ever, followed through. his visits were rare and unforeseen. his birthday gifts were late but presented in a fancy box, and in it were a pair of 24k gold earrings. the kind of karat that magically turned green after a few days and made my ears swell. gradually, i slowly lost my trust and respect for him.

this particular friend that inspired that post has been a great friend to me. he introduced me to mediation and i consider him a spiritual companion.  after being platonic friends for a year, we became romantically involved a couple of months before i moved to chicago last march.  it started loving and warm, and then suddenly, cold and distant. loving. cold. repeat.  and it would continue that way until i left.

few months ago, around december , we rekindled things a bit. it was nice. i was emotionally drained by my mother's illness and it was refreshing to experience new feelings again.  late january, we made plans to see each other, and on the day he was suppose to come over, he sends a text that he needed some time before he "intently engaged sexually with someone". i was a bit thrown off because i felt it wasn't that serious. we could hang, like we've done many times, but eventually shrugged it off. this is what he does.

afterwards, he'd send a text here and there, nothing substantial. no visits. as time went on, i increasingly felt disregard for him. it felt wrong. he has been a wonderful friend who loves me and my family. whenever ive needed him, he has been there. so what was my problem?

that surprise visit reminded me of something he has in common with my father: inconsistency.  his presence was just like the 24k gold earrings that shifted it's color to green. and looks like i still havent recovered from the swelling.

just me and Him

i feel alone at times. that's strange writing that because i have amazing support from my sister and close friends. but i do... and have been feeling this way even more since my mother's illness.

ive been reflecting alot lately of our journey together....watching her in extreme pain, her helpless body on a ventilator unable to speak,  fighting with nurses , battling her hallucinations, racing from the cafeteria incase she needed me, sleepless nights, communicating with letters, waking up to her clicking her tongue at 3am to get my attention, pneumonia, shooting out from the hospital sofa 3-6 times a night because her ventilation machine went off...

im amazed how far we've come and i am so so so grateful to be where we are today. however, every now and then, i find myself really weak. in those moments,  all i could do is take a shower, blast a gospel song, and cry out to Him. i come out feeling refreshed, optimistic,  and reminded that my Friend is always with me.

leave me alone.

i think most people think of caretaking a parent like a hallmark movie. a strained relationship between mother and daughter coming to terms of their past wrong doings but ending with them sitting outside on the porch, holding hands and smiling.

this week i got a text message " hey are you free tomorrow morning to surprise insert friend's name at her job with a dance number?" my instant response was like "what the fuk makes you think i have the time to do that? you do know a 62 year old woman depends on me, right?"  i took a few breaths and politely declined and inserted a smiley face (Jesus took the wheel on that one). later that evening same person asked if i wanted to hang out at a hot tub party. all i could do was blankly stare at my imaginary camera. this woman had good intentions, yes, but come-the fuk- on.

yesterday, as i'm finishing moving my mother from the commode to the sofa, i hear a door bell. i assumed it was UPS or maybe even a Jehovah's witness (they like me)... not anyone that knows me and my mother and our situation. however, i was wrong--no UPS, no Jehovah's witness, but a friend...that knows me and my mother and our situation. i felt unprepared and overwhelmed.

to say i was pissed would be an understatement. i was FUCKING LIVID. ill just list the top ten reasons why
1. i just finished wiping my mother's ass in the living room.
2. my mother and i were relaxing enjoying a documentary
3. i was in my pjs with no bra. this friend is a male.
4. i still had my sheets on the sofa ( i sleep on the sofa now to be near my mother). interestingly, i usually put away, but that particular day, felt like "nah... no physically therapy or doctors appointment; it's going to be a chill day"
5. i never invite people until i get an ok from mom. mom has never declined an invite, but there was no warning for her to accept or decline.
6. this is a home i SHARE with my mother....my physically ill mother who has challenging moments. WE have challenging moments. we could have been in the middle of one.
7. this friend also lives with his mother so he should know better.
8. what made this friend think we wanted company ?
9. we did not want company.
10. i hate surprise pop-ups...especially now.

im complaining about people wanting to hang out with me. it sounds terrible, but my life is very different now.  my day starts off with me changing my mother, preparing her morning meds, making breakfast, getting her morning hygiene together, getting her on the commode - and that's just the morning routine. i just dont have that type of energy for people anymore. and if i do, i'm going to need atleast a week's notice...unless you want to turn my life into a Lifetime movie.