the bachelor and me

i told myself i would stop watching competition reality shows. i get too emotionally invested and the person im rooting for is always runner-up. but somehow, the bachelor came into my life. i never really cared for the show. the guy never seemed that interesting and the women were even worse. plus, if there was something compelling, i'd just get the highlights from US Weekly.

but this year is different. why? a black girl actually has a chance! her name is rachel. she's adorable and a lawyer. nick, the bachelor, seems to be pretty smitten. i find myself clapping with glee everytime i see them together.

anyway, it's become a monday tradition for mum and i. i think she's into it. she doesn't think rachel has a chance "this white boy from the midwest? you think he's going to bring her to his parents?" i hope she's wrong. i can't handle another heartbreak.

mommy's last chemo

today, friday,  jan 27, 2017 marks the day my mother received her last chemo.

i am happy, hopeful, and grateful.

thank you.

ache, pain, pulse

at 6am this morning, i woke up to my mother moaning from discomfort. she was saying her heart felt weak. i took her pulse and it was about 80. low, but not too bad. she asked for some coffee saying it would help. so i did. after about 30 minutes, she felt slightly better. it was still early, but i couldn't go back to sleep.

like  a new mother, i find myself waking up in the middle of the night, checking to see if she's still breathing. i have compulsive behavior so sometimes it's a bit much. ive witnessed my mother at her worst- ICU,ventilator, pneumonia, etc and never once did i truly believe she wouldn't make it. but lately, on occasion,  i have anxiety about every ache, pain, pulse, wondering if she'll be OK.

tomorrow my mom has her last chemo (Insha'Allah). her last treatment was really rough on her body, so i pray she takes it better this round. and i plead you do the same.

my time out

an interesting thing happened this morning. i was getting my mother ready for our morning doctor's appointment. as you all know, my mother is still not able to walk or stand and her right hand has serious nerve damage, so it's currently not her dominant hand. anyway, she was getting ready to brush  her teeth, using her left land. i placed a small end table and a tupperware bowl near her so we wouldnt have to wheel her to the bathroom. i laid  a cup of water on table and my mum pulled it closer to her, making the cup of water fall on the floor. in that state, my instant reflexive thought was to scold my mother, "you have to be careful!".  fortunately, i did not, and silently grabbed a towel and cleaned up the mess.

i left the scene really frustrated with myself. how could i have the audacity to even think that? this is my MOTHER.   the woman i've adored, revered, and feared my whole life. who was i turning into?

i thought about moments as a young child getting punishments from her. how bad i felt for getting admonished for things, i felt, i had no control over- pure accidents. and then i thought of moments i've had with my nephew mirroring the same actions as my mother did to me. i knew then exactly how he felt because i was him. and i knew how my mom felt loosing grip of the table,  having little control of her body.

i was thankful i was in a place of self-awareness and connectedness...and super grateful my mother could not read my mind. even though her body is fragile, she would have found some strength to slap the stupid out of me.

food nazi

when my mom was in the hospital, she used to call me a dictator. infact, then she was on a ventilator and couldn't speak, so she spelled it out for me -D-I-C-T-A-T-O-R.   i would like to blame it on ICU delirium, but she spoke facts. and i am still battling my tyrant ways. my enemy: non organic, GMOs...and sometimes dairy

i am very deliberate in what foods i feed her. they have to be nutritious and organic. every now and then, i'll give her small bites of chocolate. chemo has drastically affected her taste buds making them super sensitive to sweets, so she rarely craves them.

on a few occasions friends and family would come by, bringing cake or dishes. i smile and thank them, look at the label, and often throw them away when they leave. the other day, my cousin brought turkey wraps from cosco. my mom enjoyed  them and the following morning she wanted them for breakfast. i almost denied that request, but i'm getting better at mommying my mom.  anyway,  maybe it was a coincidence, but after eating those wraps, i noticed she didn't have her usual morning bowel movement. so off to the trash those wraps went.

this afternoon, mum wanted those wraps for lunch. i told her i threw them away. she gave me a disappointing "WHY!?" i said i left them out all day and they got bad. she didn't stay sad for long. i made her a turkey burger with ezekiel bread, grilled onions and a kale salad.

not bad for a fascist, eh?

bridesmaid #4

so today i was asked to be a bridesmaid for one of my oldest friends. i told myself the last wedding was going to be my last, but ...

there are perks of being a bridesmaid: the attention, the abundance of professional photos that i will exclusively use for my social media profiles, limitless champagne? 

ive been a bridesmaid thrice and have had one simple request for each one:
make my groomsman attractive so i can have a cheesy indie flick rom-com moment. and every time, every fuking time, there's always somethin'.

groomsman #1: he wore cowboy boots at the rehearsal dinner...and he was black
groomsman #2: i don't remember him so enough said
groomsman #3: cute...but had a girlfriend who added her chair to the wedding party table.

so c'mon lucky number #4. let's make this happen.

mother & daughter dynamic

today, a quote from a young female filmmaker comes to mind. we were working on a proposal for this new project. she was a new mother and i asked her how motherhood changed her. she barely paused for a second, still keeping her focus on her laptop and responded "when we're hungry, my daughter eats first."

my role as daughter to my mother has shifted exactly to that. every meal she eats, i serve her first. if leftover casserole only has room for one stomach, my mum gets it. it's never a battle or even a thought. it comes pretty naturally.

since my mum has been ill,  people often say to me what a good daughter i am. i know they have good intentions when they say it, but i'm often uncomfortable when i hear it. why is caring for my mother an exception rather than the norm? the bond between mother and child never changes, just the code sometimes. i'm only giving back what ive received my whole entire life.

it's sunday afternoon and my mum is craving this cauliflower coconut bisque my sister made once. my sister and i have very different cooking styles. she follows recipes to a tee. i, however, glance and make adjustments.

i hope she enjoys my version because i really want the last piece of saturday's leftover.