all shall love me and despair

i'm just a girl tryin to make a dolla out of yoohoo bottles

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Ben

Ben, the two of us need look no more,
We both found what we were looking for.
With a friend to call my own,
I'll never be alone, and you, my friend, will see,
You've got a friend in me.


so i'm listening to the classic michael jackson track "ben". i don't often listen to lyrics, but after playing this song on repeat for the 34th time, i made an effort to hear the words. initially, i thought "aww...what a nice tribute. hope my friends think of me that way." 
(insert happy tears)

then... the lines got dark. im concerned- what is wrong with ben? why is he running? and why are people mean to him?  

i decided to reach out to wikipedia. like ben, she, too, has been a great friend.
it turns out that  "Ben" is not this  loner, misunderstood, flannel-wearing kid but a  RAT

the song is from a 1970s horror film titled "Ben".

wikipedia:
A lonely boy named Danny Garrison befriends Ben, the rat leader of the swarm of rats trained by Willard Stiles. Ben becomes the boy's best friend, protecting him from bullying and keeping his spirits up in the face of a heart condition.
However, things gradually take a downward turn as Ben's swarm becomes violent, resulting in several deaths. Eventually, the police destroy the rat colony with flame throwers, but Ben survives and makes his way back to Danny. The film closes with Danny, tending to the injured Ben, determined not to lose his friend.

insane, right? well, let's add the visuals, shall we? 

used to say I and me, now it's us, now it's we.

i can only assume the writer was on lsd, didn't read the script, or traumatized by homeschool.


nonetheless, RIP Ben.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

boy crazy stacy

that's what my sister used to call me....named after the doll "stacie"*, barbie's younger and lesser- known sister (we own our corniness).

it's still true; i love men. i get it from my pops. i inherited his cheekbones,  love of the opposite sex, and his recklessness with intimacy. he was married (and divorced) 4 times . he loved women, beautiful women.  and they loved him. but to their dismay, his love wasn't exclusive.

ive never had a problem staying committed, just staying enamored. i get disappointed- and poof- love gone.

despite the failures, still got love for 'em- attractive men.  funny men. clever men. men who know how to pick argyle sweaters. and if he can play the climatic solo of 'hotel california' on his guitar,  values garlic powder, and only uses magnums, i will marry him.

but until that happens, 'boy crazy stacie', is here to stay.

*correction: the nick name was actually from a babysitter's club book title "boy crazy stacy". the corniness still stands.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

no new friends.

i'm really tough on my friends. correction: im really tough on new friends. it's like i put them through boot camp to see if they can really hang. and truthfully, very few can.  and it's not their fault. it's me.

i judge. alot. i judge alot. i expect people to live up to my expectations of what it means to be a friend and i know that's insane. yet i can't-- nay--- i haven't stopped myself from doing that.

my sister thinks it's bc we have a super close relationship and im comparing everyone to her (she be feelin herself, yeah). im sure there's some truth to that. but i think it's moreso that 'ride-or-die' mindset- you got the jugs to hang with this nut? you best bring it. and if you can't...hope you got pics.

im myself again

so got a car.  i was without one for nearly three months. and--bloody hell-- was  it challenging! i wasn't used to being so dependent on people...besides my mum, or sister, or close friends, or that nice somali guy who hooks me up with a free vanilla latte' at starbucks.

it put me in a vulnerable place. and made me feel needy...like carrie ,from sex and the city, needy (my sis is not goin to get that reference and mock me for that line). it's a terrible feeling bc carrie sucks. i mean, i didn't think so in my twenties, but now, i don't know how i thought she was so great. she's awful. and a terrible friend. yes, i said it. oh, you want to talk about your man problems and i just had a baby? you want to talk about your man problems and im gettting a divorce?  you wanna talk about your man problems and im gettin chemo?  girl, bye.

so im back. im alive. and feelin like samantha.

holla.

Friday, December 11, 2015

anemia is a disease.

so im anemic. i often blurt that out when people ask me to do stuff. it never works.

i decided to finally do something about my anemia and started taking iron pills. i felt more active. it also could have been increased dosage of 8 teaspoons of yerba mate. but whatever. i religiously took those pills every day.

this week i started having these sharp side pains. i used to get those when i was seriously constipated. and the cause of my constipation was dairy. ive been  living a dairy free life for nearly a year. and occasionally, i would eat mac and cheese or gelato (talenti is the shyt), but not so much that would affect my system. i couldn't understand why i was getting so constipated all of a sudden.

UNTIL TODAY!!!!

i casually checked the ingredients of my iron pills -and BOOM- "contains milk"

hhhawhy?!?

so here i am-  anemic & lactose intolerant. feel bad for me.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Jehovah witnesses love me

it's true, they do.  it's only because i treat them as humans. sounds simple, yeah? my favorite aunt is a Jehovah witness. she is 90 years old.  so out of respect and love i have for her, i welcome my space to them.

when i was 6 years old, my sis and i spent a summer with her and my uncle in rochester, new york. we would attend kingdom hall, go door-to-door , handing out watchtower magazines. i loved it. i was a beast. my aunt was convinced i would become one. 

there's a funny tale my aunt likes to share. back in the late 80s, Jehovah witnesses would ask for donations of a dollar. well, one particular morning, we're preaching the good word to this gentleman, and followed up with a optional donations request. 

man: i only have 60 cents
6 year old me: well, too bad.


and i left that man.

today i invited two witnesses to my home for bible study. our beliefs are very different, but i listened, and shared. it was really nice. i called my aunt to tell her about it. she was tickled, and  nearly screamed with excitement. "it's just Bible study, nothin more". 

i know i made her day. and for that alone, i will continue meeting with those Jehovah witnesses, even if i have no intent of joining them.

i need car

so i got into a car accident in september. some idiot hit me and his dumb insurance have been fucking with me since...but today, the check has finally been received ( insert animated GIF of a black woman being hit by the holy ghost)

i don't like being reliant on people, but universe likes to push my comfort at level. my friends have been great. but im started to feel like that 34 year old child who's never leaving home (ha!) and they're all wondering "so, when you gettin your own?"

so, my g, soon.

Sunday, December 06, 2015

relationship advice

my really close friend wanted female advice. not really, he expressed his thoughts and i imposed my opinion. anyway, he did something i didn't think was so bad, and the girl he's dating was upset.  he felt he should apologize; i told him he shouldn't. and that he should tell her whatever she's feeling has nothing to do with him and to just leave it at that. 

he then said he understood why i was single.

netflix & crying


i spent my evening crying and watching youtube videos....i dont think netflix had that in mind when they recommended glee to me.

i would like to blame it on pms, but im actually ovulating , which means im very fertile and feelin pretty randy right now. so if my recent ex is reading this, holler (i currently have no interest in discovering new phallus).

im naturally an emotional person, so when tears spout from my eyes, uncontrollably, i embrace them....alone. i watched glee and felt so sad about the tragic death of the actor who played finn, so i started googling interviews of him, then read his last twitter feeds, and cried.  then i listened to their rendition to "pure imagination" and cried some more. after 6 episodes, i had to give that show a rest. not bc of my emotional state, it's just alot of a singing. i know that's the whole point of the show, but i reached my cap.


so then i watched the documentary on muhammed ali and larry holmes fight. i was so sad for ali. it was so clear he was a shell of his former self, showing early signs of parkinson's. but he refused to see what his body was telling him. however, i was still inspired by his persistence. it's what made him the greatest fighter, that audacious spirit. it was an affirmation to see how mind, spirit, AND body have to be in line to be at your best. his spirit and mind were in line. but not his body. so i cried for him...then i replayed the 'pure imagination" track and cried some more.

Friday, December 04, 2015

it worked for justin bieber

Is it too late now to say sorry?
Cause I'm missing more than just your body
Is it too late now to say sorry?
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say that I'm sorry now?
--Justin Bieber



i've been listening to that song in repeat. dont front, it's a dope song.

so i sent my most recent former lover "is it too late to say sorry?" i sent that text wednesday. it's now friday . he hasn't responded. so i guess it is?

i dont want us to get back together. it's been done multiple times, and shyt doesn't work. but i still want him in my life when i want him in it. like now. it's cold. and i have a habit of drinking two glasses of cabernet sauvignon every night. im feelin sentimental.  and i think those hallmark christmas movie promos are getting to me.

maybe i should send a follow up text, reciting lyrics to ""where are Ü now"


Thursday, December 03, 2015

ode to dunbar's

i received  news on my facebook feed "Pre-Katrina favorite Dunbar’s Creole Cooking plans comeback in Gert Town". i was instantly filled with joy and sent the news to my best friend , susaye. that was our spot during our college days at loyola. often, we would head there right before a huge paper, and  order their unlimited fried chicken and red beans ( i still feel it's a strange combo but the chicken was delicious and only $6) afterwards, we'd march to the computer lab feeling confident and defiant.

after 2.5 hours of yahooing "what is an ama format" (i know 'yahooing' was never a term, but tryin to  convey a pre-google era) , and searching profiles on blackplanet (was never into blackplanet, but tryin to convey a pre-facebook era), we decided we deserved a quick nap. we set the alarm in our room (actually, i was never her roomate. but she was a ra, and had an extra bed) --ok, this is alot of parenthetical thoughts--  let me try this again.

so we would attempt to work on our paper, but didn't get much done, take a nap that turned into full on sleep, wake up in hysteria , and race to the computer lap in our pjs.

staying away from dunbar's right before a paper deadline never occurred to us.


(side note: am i the only new orleanian who has never heard of "Gert Town")

Wednesday, December 02, 2015

4 years in the making

yo, so it's been four years since my last post. my sister who i respect/worship would always encourage me to maintain this blog. and now that im working on my brand (whatever that is), i see the importance of writing a regular post.

the last time i wrote this, i was living the happy, sexy, single life in washington dc. four years later, im still happy, sexy , and single, but now in my home town of new orleans. this is not a catch-up post. so that's the only update you need.

let's talk about turkey day. it was lovely. sis made this AMAAAAAZING mac & cheese with bacon and roasted garlic. she also put thyme in it, which she clarified it's pronounced as "time". she real smart. she on that phd shyt...but i digress.

 i surprised my family. i told them the week before thanksgiving i was sending them a package. little did they know i was the package. aint i romantic? my sis cried when she opened the door. my mom didn't hear the doorbell ring, so she thought my sis was having an emotional breakdown (again, she's getting her phd, so that's pretty norm. read about it. phd depression is real. educate yo'self) . so mom runs up the stairs from the basement to console my sister with comforting words like "stop crying. it's the holiday', and she sees me and in total shock.

 my niece &  nephew introduced me to the game 'cooking fever'. to say i was hooked would be an understatement. i was up until 1am on this joint. reminded me of those 'drug wars' days on my t83. ah, the 90s.

i love my family. like, love-love. we're kinda like the subjects from the documentary the wolfback, but with better teeth and clearer complexion. and without the experience of being locked in a two bedroom apartment with no contact to the outside world. get what i mean? no? i guess what im tryin to say if if i was stuck in a two bedroom apartment with no contact to the outside world, and limited to just my mom, sister, niece, and nephew, it wouldn't be so bad.

im back in nola, alone, and cold. unfortunately, im out of wine. but it's probably for the best. im just pitiful enough to drunk text an ex lover and ask if he wants to watch 'the wolfpack' on netflix.